I am married and have been with my husband for 16 years.
We have been married for almost 6 years now – we will call him “Aaron.” I also, for lack of a better term, have a long term boyfriend that I have been on and off (mostly on) for about 9 years – we will call him “Bob.”
I was dating Aaron in high school, which is where I met Bob. Aaron and Bob were best friends. Aaron didn’t treat me very good in high school, and I relied a lot on Bob. When we were all out and about, well, one thing led to another and Bob and I developed very strong feelings for each other and have never been able to let that go.
I love my husband, but I do not feel that I am in love with him. I feel like he is more my best friend than my lover, which I feel terrible for because he is a wonderful husband and father (to our 3 children). He does go above and beyond for me and the kids. However, I just have always felt like there was something missing. I feel like I am stuck in this boring, day-to-day marriage. He never wants to do anything or go anywhere, and neither of us have our own hobbies. So, we are always together. I do not have any free time to myself.
Ever since I met Bob he was always fun and exciting. At first it was innocent flirting, but the feelings became real, strong, and undeniable. We both tried very hard to ignore our feelings for each other, but I had slept with Bob for the first time a couple weeks before my wedding to Aaron. I felt extremely guilty about it, and I told my husband a couple months later. He did end up forgiving me and we tried to move past the affair. However, my feelings for Bob never went away, and, if anything they got stronger. I have been reading a lot about affairs online, and I’ve seen where they say that a lot of the time it is only lust with the other person, but that is not the case here. I have true, long-lasting feelings for Bob. He makes me happy and smile. I think about him all the time and when I think about losing him it breaks my heart.
I need some advice as to my feelings and the decisions I need to make. This love triangle is not fair to anyone and I feel like I am going to go crazy! I love my husband, but it is missing that spark, that connection that I want so badly. But, at the same time, do I get a divorce and rip my family apart when I’m really not that miserable and things are not really that bad? – My Husband or Lover
Dear Ms. My Husband or Lover,
I do try to understand, but then it just boggles my mind how someone can have a full-fledge relationship with someone they don’t really love, get married, have a family, and act as if everything is going great, but the entire time they are having an affair, and cheating on their spouse. It truly doesn’t make any sense to me. Especially if this is something that has been going on for 9 years.
Ma’am, you met both of these guys in high school, and they were best friends at the time. You state that Aaron wasn’t a good boyfriend, and you relied on Bob, and ultimately developed feelings for Bob. Yet, you remained with Aaron despite knowing it was not where you wanted to be, or whom you wanted to be with. You had the opportunity to leave him, yet, you stayed. And, I am sure that is not the only time you had the opportunity to leave. I am sure there were other moments, and other chances in which you could have ended it and followed your heart in order to be with the man you really wanted to date. But, you didn’t. You felt it okay to cheat, lie, deceive, and manipulate this man for years, and even continue doing so. SMDH!
Now, you’ve created a family, and you have brought children into this matter, and you say that you don’t want to break up your family, and, yet, your heart is with another man, AND, you’ve been sleeping with this other man, your husband’s high school best friend, for 9 years! Do you even hear yourself? Do you even think? Obviously, not! You’ve already destroyed other people’s lives. You’ve already broken up your family. You’ve already damaged your family, your husband, and every else associated with your lives. You’ve created an entire relationship built on a lie. You’ve wasted years, time, and another person’s feelings in order to get what you want. You’re selfish, trifling, and evil.
Then, on top of all this, you slept with Bob weeks before you were to get married to Aaron, and you confessed to your husband a few months later, and he still remained in the marriage to work things out. But, you didn’t stop. You didn’t feel guilt. You did it because you knew that you could. If you felt guilt about it, then you would not have done it again, and continue to do it for 9 years! Therefore, no, you don’t get any sympathy. You don’t get any passes, or encouragement and for us to feel bad for you because you’re conflicted and unable to decide what you want to do and how you should go about doing it. No! You are trifling! You are a menace! You are a child, a grown ass child who thinks she can have and do whatever she wants without any remorse or action.
If you don’t want to be married, then leave your husband. If you don’t love him, and you’re bored, and he doesn’t inspire you, or give you what you desire or want, then leave. Why remain in a marriage that you don’t want to be in? Why torture yourself, and your spouse? Why keep cheating when you know Bob is the man you want and desire? Just make it official and stop prolonging this and dragging it out. Bob makes you smile and happy. Your husband doesn’t. You enjoy having sex with Bob. You don’t enjoy it with your husband. Your marriage has become something to do, a mundane existence. Well, get out! Go! Leave! Be honest and tell your husband the truth and just go and do you.
Yes, it is that easy to just leave. You should know how easy it is because you’ve been sleeping with another man for 9 years, and I am sure it was easy for you to do that. So, if you can easily spread your legs and lay up with your husband’s best friend, then I am sure you can just as easily open your mouth and tell him the truth and be honest for once in your life. Stop thinking how this will damage and destroy your family. You’ve already done that. You’re going to have to explain to your children that you’ve been the infidel who cheated on their father for 9 years, and that you never really loved him. You’re going to have to explain to your parents, his parents, your friends, and loved ones that you were the one who misled him, lied to him, deceived him, and cheated on him. You’ve created this, and you’ve made all this happen. So, yes, grow up, put on your big girl panties, and deal with the consequences and fall out that will take place. Own your –ish, and take responsibility for your mess. Yes, I’m sure your husband will want the divorce, and you will have to think about custody of the children, and the turmoil this will put everyone in. But, think about it, at least you will be able to be with the man you really want, and you will get to have the happiness you are seeking. – Terrance Dean