My boyfriend and I started dating nearly 8 years ago.

We were together for 2.5 years, and were at the same high school my sophomore and junior, his junior and senior years. There was talk of us getting engaged/married, and my mom gave him an old promise ring to propose to me with.

His senior year, my mom wanted to move to a new city about one hour away from the college he was going to for her boyfriend. He got scared about me finding someone else and breaking up with me, and right before the end of the school year, he ended up developing feelings for a girl who I trusted and pushed him to be with because I wanted him to have a good friend with whileI was in another city (he called her “Mangelica,” and she said how she wanted to plan his bachelor party for him when we got engaged finally, never had any idea. Even lied to his mother (who has severe mental health issues and was emotionally abusive to him growing up) , and let him use my cell phone (he didn’t have one) so they could hang out/talk, as I thought it was ridiculous that she wouldn’t let him have any female friends.

Two weeks before his senior graduation, on the night he was supposed to help me pack for the move to the new city, he was four hours late and at a party. I was cranky and upset, and accused him of being with someone else (not thinking he actually was). He got quiet, admitted he had feelings for Angie, and he had kissed. Said he loved me, but was in love with her as well. We talked, he said he would call me the next day and let me know his decision if he wanted to break up. He told me “he’d make the right choice.”

Called the next day, told me he wanted to give it a shot with her. (I was watching a movie. After he said he didn’t want to be with me anymore, I ran over to his house and it started raining. It was like a movie) Gave me back the ring my mom gave him.

I was absolutely devastated. Words can not describe how hurt and shocked I was. I thought things were perfect between us, never saw it coming, completely blind sighted. I felt so betrayed, as I had lied to his mom and pushed them together.It was the worst feeling of my life.

To add to my hurt, I was guilty. Because his mom ended up kicking him out for breaking up with me (she found out he had cheated on me from his sister, who consoled me after he broke up with me).

So to sum it up, I moved to the new city for my senior year, he started college. He dated her for about 3 months. We talked as friends though almost daily, although I didn’t see him in person. I was still madly in love with him, and waiting for him to feel the same

3 months after our break up, I saw him again when I went to his sister’s birthday party. It seemed like we were going to get back together. Prior to the party, we went to the movies. He kissed me, we flirted, everything seemed good and back to normal. We ended up having unprotected sex (he initiated it).

Immediately after sex, he told to never touch him again, and ran off to call Angie. He said things were through with us, and how he never wanted to talk to me again. I had to listen to him cry and beg for her forgiveness on the phone, and listen to him say how she’s right and he deserves to cut himself and all this horrible stuff, all while I cried and couldn’t wrap my head about what had happened in the next room.

There was a pregnancy scare a couple weeks after that, during which he was horrible cruel and acted like someone else. He refused to talk to me for a month.

I started school, and was majorly depressed. My grades weren’t the best, I lost interest in school, and cried myself to sleep almost every night for 6 months consecutively. I lost a lot of weight from my original 115 lbs (not because I wasn’t eating, I was eating massive amounts of ice cream, loaded baked potatoes, and veggie burgers).

(We have talked all about this in the current day, multiple times. He has a very foggy memory of it all, and says it’s because he feels so guilty from hurting me that he has made himself forget because it hurts too much. He reread all the viscious and cruel facebook messages he sent me about 2 years ago, and couldn’t believe he said what he did. He doesn’t drink, never has, so that’s not the issue)

Then somehow, he broke up with her (she cheated on him), and we started talking again. I was dating a guy who I had met online who lived in Austria at the time, but we started acting like friends.

We went to the corn maze together for my birthday, and had broken up with my Austrian boyfriend the day before, so we could be back together again. Everything was perfect. We ended up having sex, it was amazing, fell asleep together.

Next day, the morning after, he told me wasn’t ready to get back with me. He said that “when we get back together, he knows it will be forever and just wants to wait until he’s ready. He said he didn’t want to hurt me anymore, and that he was serious about me, but not there just yet.

Of course, I was hurt, and confused.

I convinced myself we were better off friends, and he started dating someone else. I told him I was happy for him, and at one point genuinely was.

They broke up after a month, or so, and then we ended up somehow getting back together.

I applied to the school he was at, got in, and we ended up moving in together (it was my mom’s idea. It was cheaper than staying in the dorms, I could have my cats with me, and we wouldn’t be paying for non vegetarian/vegan ffood plan like we would at the dorms).

We’ve been together ever since (almost 6 years have passed), and yet, I AM STILL HURT BY IT.

I still remember it all vividly, it hasn’t faded away. It’s burned into my memory, I want to move on so bad, but I can’t.

He’s the only serious boyfriend I’ve ever had or even kissed, which doesn’t help when I imagine him with someone else.

What’s annoying is I trust him 100% that he’d never cheat on me again (although I have paranoid tendecies when I think the worse), that he feels sorry, and that it was a huge mistake that he regrets deeply. He’s told me this, and has never cheated on me ever again.

I just can’t move past the pain I feel, and to stop thinking about it. It’s always there, in the back of my mind.

Any advice?